By John Coscette
Sometimes the unexpected can be a frightful event. People have always asked me “Why are you so jumpy?” I tell them, it’s just the way I am. I walk through the hallways, enter offices, open doors at my place of work and every so often, I bump into a co-worker. I don’t mean I physically bump into them but rather stop a few feet away. It is because I walk very quickly, I’m guessing it’s a New York thing. Regardless, when I get startled by another person, my fist comes up and I am ready let loose. Once again… probably a New York thing. Yesterday, was different. No fist could have helped me in this situation.
I arrived early at work and went to make a cup of coffee to fully wake me up. As I opened the door to the office, I was greeted by a surprise that made me gasp out loud. The light in the office is motion-sensored so when I opened the door, the light shined on this huge, ugly spider! It was in front of a co-worker’s desk and seemed to be frozen on the floor. As I gazed at the threat wide-eyed and now fully awake, the spider stayed motionless.
I knew that this insect was alive as it was still standing on its legs, hoping that I did not see him… but I had! It was a large brown hairy beast of a spider, that appeared to be looking straight at me through its big eyes. What do I do? Leave it and just get my coffee? Burn the office down? The thoughts raced through my head. I have to kill this thing!
I am not a spider, nor have I studied spider stuff in school. I did like the old Spider-Man Cartoon as a child but that was about it. Does this eight-legged freak of a bug, jump? Is it poisonous? We both stood frozen, staring at each other. “How fast does this thing move?” I thought to myself. If I walked away, I am sure that this thing would have followed me into my office and killed me as I typed up some reports. “The bug knows what I looked like,” I continued thinking.
You cannot take your eyes off of a threat because once it is hidden, it’s harder to defend yourself. “Why the hell is everything in Alabama poisonous?” My thoughts continued.
I looked for a weapon. “Where the hell is a baseball bat when you need one?” I said. In New York, it seems that baseball bats are everywhere. The old Louisville Slugger is a trusted protector of many New Yorkers and would have killed this spider and probably destroyed the office desk in one swing. I eventually spied a box of rubber gloves on top of the desk.
“Hmmm… that box has enough weight. If I get up on the desk and attack it from above.” I planned this attack in my mind. “Can a spider look up?” I thought. I quickly crawled atop the desk and snatched the box of gloves. “Would you look at the size of that creepy thing!” I said in astonishment. Only one chance on this… its gotta work.
Now some people say “Just step on the thing.” Are you crazy? Suppose that spider sidesteps your foot and crawls up your pant leg? The hell with that! It’s much safer to destroy one office then to have been bitten by a spider. I steadied my aim with the box and then dropped the bomb on this bug.
“Son of a… !” How the hell could I have missed? The spider didn’t see it coming but now was in retaliation mode. It moved quickly and as it remembered what I looked like, no doubt it would tell its friends to swarm into my office and bite at any chance they could get. You just can’t leave a spider like that and move on. A bottle of Murphy’s Orange Oil desk polish was my next choice of weaponry. I quickly grabbed the bottle and flooded the area with this oil. The spider quickly moved in a zig zag motion across the floor. “Damn, I knew these things moved fast!” I exclaimed. The oil did give the spider less traction on the floor and I knew I had him beat.
With a final cover of a paper towel and then the dropping of that glove box, I was victorious! The spider was dead and the office smelled like the fruit section at the grocery store. I know that nobody in my workplace will ever thank me for saving their lives but that’s what I did. I risked my life for others, an unsung hero, that’s me.
John Coscette is a native New Yorker now living in the south. He arrived in Prattville with his family around 15 years ago and has taken that time to keep up his skills in Italian cooking, but also learn some of the rich culture of the South, including the food. His stories of growing up, and his take on life in general, are genuine and heart felt. We will be sharing his columns from time to time, and believe you will truly enjoy them. We welcome reader’s submissions! You can email them to Sarah Stephens at email@example.com
You can follow all of his writings on his Facebook Page called Life’s Moments at https://www.facebook.com/Coscettejohn/