A Short Riff by Rusty Aldridge
If the Suit Fits…
I cannot tell you how many times in my life I have played Santa Claus. Somewhere, somehow during the last 25 years, I have acquired a very pricey Santa suit. I did not purchase it, nor do I remember receiving it as a gift. I just have it. It’s hanging in the closet, kind of like Bruce Wayne’s spare Batman suit. Just waiting for the call from Commissioner Gordon so I can slide down the Santa Pole and spring into action.
I remember the first time I stood in for the jolly old elf. I was about 18 and somebody talked me into playing Santa for a group of kids in Wallsboro. It was on a Saturday night and I had a date, but the lady organizing the event assured me I would be done in time to go do my “courtin’.”
Believe it or not, in those days I had to ‘pad out’ so I would look the part. The persuasive lady procured the suit, a wig, a beard, a Santa hat, some white gloves and a big red bag to carry the gifts. I dressed at home and pulled off right before I reached the event venue and put on the beard, the wig and the hat. Then it was showtime!
I want you to know nothing itches worse than those fake Santa wigs and beards. Have you ever had somebody pour a Crisco can full of fire ants over your head and when the leader released his pheromones, they all started stinging at once? Well me neither, but it couldn’t be as bad as those 95% polyester nightmares you get from the Santa store.
The event went well. All the kids got to talk to Santa and turn in their Christmas wishes. I told them to be good, then I laid a finger beside my nose, gave a wink and out the door I went, ho hoing and yelling ‘Merry Christmas!’ at the top of my lungs! I jumped in the car and sped into the night! The exit was as dramatic and Christmassy as the entrance!
I need to tell you about the car. It was a ’69 Chevelle I got second hand from my cousin Larry thanks to the deal my dad made with my Uncle Curtis. It was CS green (if you know what I mean) missing a tire, the passenger side window and the radio. My dad and uncle had gotten a tire and a window and I would eventually get a radio. Despite its imperfections, that thing would scoot, and I was scootin’ because I had a date. Actually, I had two dates; one with a little redhead in my class, and the other with a state trooper that clocked me at 74 and pulled me over in front of Jones’ Store.
In those days, when you got pulled over, the trooper got out, you got out and ya’ll talked it over. I got out…the trooper got out…he looked at me, put up his hand and said: “Get back in that CS green piece of junk and slow you’re a%s down! I had forgotten I was still in uniform!
I waved, jumped back in CS, and held a steady 45 all the way to the redhead’s house. I got lucky on the first date. On the second date…well, that’s another story.
Drive safely my friends and Merry Christmas!
Rusty Aldridge is a long-time radio personality from Wetumpka, and a columnist for the Elmore/Autauga News.
